Feeling Like a Baby Boomer!

It’s only 9:38pm and I’m in bed watching King of the Hill, wishing I could go back to the better days of the nineties. I mean, I’m only 33, but I feel like a baby boomer talking about “back in my day things were better, simpler.”

I miss the days when I had insomnia that kept me up all night. I’d use that time to my creative advantage. I could really use that alone nighttime energy.

Everything in life is different now. I miss my youth, not because I fear getting old, but because I feel like my childhood and adolescence were stolen from me… by family.

I’ll enjoy watching King of the Hill while I fall asleep, unless I change it over to Fargo. The cold weather always makes me think of Fargo.

Don’t Dream It: Be It

Feeling pretty sad and shitty this morning. Yesterday, I was feeling great! I practiced guitar all day. Had a great lesson with my instructor last night. He wants me to start performing with his band! Wrote out their itinerary for the next two months. Super stoked about that. He gave me very positive feedback during our sesh last night.

I don’t like being in a co-dependent relationship, but I am a co-dependent person I guess. I hate giving up my individuality. I’ve done it most of my life for other people. It’s finally time to be myself…. be who I am meant to be.

I have been looking for passion my whole life. I’m finally finding it in music. I won’t let anyone take it away from me. I’ve always wanted to know how to play guitar and sing and be in a band. I’ve always wanted to be in that. But it was never in my cards… until recently. This is my dream; it feels like my dream coming to reality. Don’t dream it: Be IT! This is my passion. Music saved my life.

If Time Stood Still I Would Be Okay

It would be nice if the world could freeze time for just a little bit. I am not saying in the way the pandemic froze time globally. That was a nightmare. absolutely dreadful. no, but what I am saying is, if time did have to stop right now, freeze, preserving life as the way it is at this moment on this day, it could happen and I would be fine with it. I would be happy.

I have everything I could ever need with me. my home, fiancé, cat, guitars, music, an epic DVD and record collection.

ahhh but time chooses its movement. today is flying by and although i did quite a bit, i feel like a total slacker!

I Miss Saturday Morning Eggs & Television

I miss the old Saturday morning eggs (made a la my father) and classic Saturday morning TV…… cartoons and quality programs.

I miss the time when people weren’t always glued to an electronic screen. smartphones were the end of human intelligence. when originality was still alive. before viral was a thing that lead to 15 minutes of fame.

today….. i just see carbon copies and fake intentions.

get offline this weekend. have fun outside with friends and family. or alone by yourself.

What I Want I Will Never Have

all I’ve ever really wanted was a normal life. a normal family… a fucking stable family at the very least. a supportive one. with a nice family home to always run back to when things fall apart.

but i never had any of that. no one ever cared if i had a place to go. no one gave me anything. if i wanted something i had to get it on my own. and id always find a way. problem was, i had no clue what i truly wanted. and i didn’t have the parents or family to help me along.

i don’t want to be bitter because of that. i need to move from my past…. but its difficult because I’m telling my story and my past is a large portion of the narrative i have to share.

I Invested in Myself

Alright – so I invested in myself. I bit the bullet and bought my object of desire. A rare to find guitar in a specific color. Discontinued in 1999 I think.

I believe in my talent. I believe in my future. I believe in me. So I invested in myself by purchasing it.

Of course, my luck would have it that IMMEDIATELY after I completed my order, a second one came up in a little better condition and with some extra gear. But for more money, obviously.

If I saw that one before I made the order, I probably would have just invested in that one. I’m grateful though. My new (vintage) guitar will be amazing.

I still haven’t found someone who understands me in this world and it’s starting to fuck with me.

How Badly Have You Wanted Something?

Have you ever wanted something SO badly? ….. but couldn’t have it?

that feeling creates a darkness of dread that surrounds me. i don’t want to be old and have regrets…. i don’t want to make hasty choices just because i desperately want something… it’s a total mind fuck man!

people only seem to want to invest in me when there’s some rewarding thing for them to get out of it. everything has a price tag in this world, right?

im so torn. i hate being in credit card debt. (thanks, mom)!!!!!!!!!

I don’t feel worthy enough to obtain my object of desire myself. That feels selfish. I mean, I would if my situation was different. butttttt, my situation is my fucking situation! so what do i do???

why do i NEVER know what to do?! I can’t continue life this way. being lost is not fun.

Buzzing Mind

My mind was buzzing last night. so many ideas. so many thoughts. so many memories. Of course, I wanted to write them all down.

Now, in the next early morning, some have escaped me while a few remain. So, what to write about?

I need security and stability in my life; two things that have always been absent for the most part. I have abandonment issues. i know that. i have a love/hate relationship with this house. I love the house when I’m inside and have everything I need…. food, my cat, my fiancé, my guitars, my drugs… I feel safe when I’m inside.

But we’re surrounded by white trash neighbors. and that bothers the fuck out of me. they’re vile and disrespectful. they do whatever they want as if they own the world. news flash – you don’t own my driveway. i do.

Neighbors are a story for another post.

last night, on my drive to guitar practice, i saw a huge beautiful rainbow over the ocean. rainbows remind me of childhood. And happiness.

my new shrink doesn’t understand me. I hear her make judgements in the way she asks her questions. why do shrinks always ask the dumbest questions? and when they’re not asking questions, they expect you to lead the discussion of conversation. why?! I am paying YOU to use your fancy educational degrees and the skills you learned to HELP ME. not judge me!!

My Spirituality & Music: Automatic Writing

Lately, I’ve been working and focusing on my spirituality and music. i wish I had learned to play the guitar when i was just a teenager! things would have been so much different. Guitar has changed “the game” for me. Before this, I was lost ….. i still am a little lost, but finding my way and liking who I am becoming.

Now, I feel I have purpose. I have a talent. Something i can use to create value every day.

I’ve completely cut ties with my fucking toxic family that always wants, wants, wants, wants. they only come to me when they NEEDD something. never to check in and ask how I am. so fuck them.

I am now an orphaned only child. this is how it should have been from the start. i never belonged with my family. too much disgusting abuse and anguish. I was tormented!!!!FOR YEARS!!

now I am away from THAT place, that house, that hellhole …. pretty sure if Amy Allen were to visit, she would say “this is the fucking hellmouth, man! the gateway to hell and evil just comes and goes as it pleases”

***sidfe note: Im trying out this “automatic writing” process, hence all of the typos as I’m not going back to correct it, or even care to always hit the shift key…. so rock n roll, huh?***

anyway …. where was I? I’m not going to feel guilty for choosing happiness over SELF CREATED misery. My family creates their own drama. they choose to live that way. they choose to never change. they choose to never evolve. they choose to not act as adults, even though they all are with children. doesn’t matter to them. I come from a family of very selfish narcissists. NOT FUN. except for my Gram – she was a one of a kind woman who cared with every beat of her heart…. RIP </3

but now that I’m away from them (far away) I’m able to process my feelings and the traumas I’ve endured …… sometimes without even knowing i was being traumatized … i am PTSD!

Going to enjoy this tropical thunderstorm . i love the rain pounding on my skylights and windows. Happy Friday!

Abandoned by My Psychiatrist, Yet Again.

I am giving up on therapists and psychiatrists alike. Last week I called to schedule my usual 3 month follow up with my psychiatrist and was told he is no longer with the company… instant panic attack…

“Can I schedule you an appointment with another doctor?” the girl on the other end of the phone asked with distain.

I have been going to the same psychiatrist office for 6 years. I’ve had 4 (this would now be my 5th) different therapists.

Each time the company lets my current psych. go, they charge me a new patient intake fee of $450.00 and treat me like a new patient… asking me all of the usual boring and pointless questions so that this new doctor can get to know me.

I have abandonment issues and this company keeps shuffling me around different doctors like I’m an only child in between foster homes. I’m starting to wonder if they even understand anxiety and panic disorder?

My heart is pounding out of my chest as I write this. I cannot go through another therapist. I cannot go through another intake.

Unfortunately, this means I am going to have to ween myself off my anxiety medication. I never benefited from the talk portion of therapy. Maybe it is because I have never connected with a doctor. Not one that made me feel safe.

Doctors, especially psychiatrists, are such judgmental people! Like they’re fucking perfect? Please.

UPDATE 4/10/21: Just received a voicemail from my psychiatrist office to reschedule my “intake” appointment on Tuesday because THAT provider is no longer with the company. What the fuck?

Patients should be notified when doctors leave a company and given the opportunity to follow them or stay with the company. How is having a different psychiatrist each year helpful to someone’s mental health? It’s not.