I miss the old Saturday morning eggs (made a la my father) and classic Saturday morning TV…… cartoons and quality programs.
I miss the time when people weren’t always glued to an electronic screen. smartphones were the end of human intelligence. when originality was still alive. before viral was a thing that lead to 15 minutes of fame.
today….. i just see carbon copies and fake intentions.
get offline this weekend. have fun outside with friends and family. or alone by yourself.
all I’ve ever really wanted was a normal life. a normal family… a fucking stable family at the very least. a supportive one. with a nice family home to always run back to when things fall apart.
but i never had any of that. no one ever cared if i had a place to go. no one gave me anything. if i wanted something i had to get it on my own. and id always find a way. problem was, i had no clue what i truly wanted. and i didn’t have the parents or family to help me along.
i don’t want to be bitter because of that. i need to move from my past…. but its difficult because I’m telling my story and my past is a large portion of the narrative i have to share.
Alright – so I invested in myself. I bit the bullet and bought my object of desire. A rare to find guitar in a specific color. Discontinued in 1999 I think.
I believe in my talent. I believe in my future. I believe in me. So I invested in myself by purchasing it.
Of course, my luck would have it that IMMEDIATELY after I completed my order, a second one came up in a little better condition and with some extra gear. But for more money, obviously.
If I saw that one before I made the order, I probably would have just invested in that one. I’m grateful though. My new (vintage) guitar will be amazing.
I still haven’t found someone who understands me in this world and it’s starting to fuck with me.
Have you ever wanted something SO badly? ….. but couldn’t have it?
that feeling creates a darkness of dread that surrounds me. i don’t want to be old and have regrets…. i don’t want to make hasty choices just because i desperately want something… it’s a total mind fuck man!
people only seem to want to invest in me when there’s some rewarding thing for them to get out of it. everything has a price tag in this world, right?
im so torn. i hate being in credit card debt. (thanks, mom)!!!!!!!!!
I don’t feel worthy enough to obtain my object of desire myself. That feels selfish. I mean, I would if my situation was different. butttttt, my situation is my fucking situation! so what do i do???
why do i NEVER know what to do?! I can’t continue life this way. being lost is not fun.
My mind was buzzing last night. so many ideas. so many thoughts. so many memories. Of course, I wanted to write them all down.
Now, in the next early morning, some have escaped me while a few remain. So, what to write about?
I need security and stability in my life; two things that have always been absent for the most part. I have abandonment issues. i know that. i have a love/hate relationship with this house. I love the house when I’m inside and have everything I need…. food, my cat, my fiancé, my guitars, my drugs… I feel safe when I’m inside.
But we’re surrounded by white trash neighbors. and that bothers the fuck out of me. they’re vile and disrespectful. they do whatever they want as if they own the world. news flash – you don’t own my driveway. i do.
Neighbors are a story for another post.
last night, on my drive to guitar practice, i saw a huge beautiful rainbow over the ocean. rainbows remind me of childhood. And happiness.
my new shrink doesn’t understand me. I hear her make judgements in the way she asks her questions. why do shrinks always ask the dumbest questions? and when they’re not asking questions, they expect you to lead the discussion of conversation. why?! I am paying YOU to use your fancy educational degrees and the skills you learned to HELP ME. not judge me!!
Fuck.
Why does history repeat itself?
trying to downsize my most important belongings so i can move out… just when things were starting to go well again for me.
Im trying out this “automatic writing” process, hence all of the typos as I’m not going back to correct it, or even care to always hit the shift key…. so rock n roll, huh?
Lately, I’ve been working and focusing on my spirituality and music. i wish I had learned to play the guitar when i was just a teenager! things would have been so much different. Guitar has changed “the game” for me. Before this, I was lost ….. i still am a little lost, but finding my way and liking who I am becoming.
Now, I feel I have purpose. I have a talent. Something i can use to create value every day.
I’ve completely cut ties with my fucking toxic family that always wants, wants, wants, wants. they only come to me when they NEEDD something. never to check in and ask how I am. so fuck them.
I am now an orphaned only child. this is how it should have been from the start. i never belonged with my family. too much disgusting abuse and anguish. I was tormented!!!!FOR YEARS!!
now I am away from THAT place, that house, that hellhole …. pretty sure if Amy Allen were to visit, she would say “this is the fucking hellmouth, man! the gateway to hell and evil just comes and goes as it pleases”
***sidfe note: Im trying out this “automatic writing” process, hence all of the typos as I’m not going back to correct it, or even care to always hit the shift key…. so rock n roll, huh?***
anyway …. where was I? I’m not going to feel guilty for choosing happiness over SELF CREATED misery. My family creates their own drama. they choose to live that way. they choose to never change. they choose to never evolve. they choose to not act as adults, even though they all are with children. doesn’t matter to them. I come from a family of very selfish narcissists. NOT FUN. except for my Gram – she was a one of a kind woman who cared with every beat of her heart…. RIP </3
but now that I’m away from them (far away) I’m able to process my feelings and the traumas I’ve endured …… sometimes without even knowing i was being traumatized … i am PTSD!
Going to enjoy this tropical thunderstorm . i love the rain pounding on my skylights and windows. Happy Friday!
I need to start updating this more often.
Although I have been contemplating reviving an old blog I started before this one. But we’ll see. For now I’m here. I miss the early 2000s and the 1990s. Things were just… better, man.
I miss when blogs didn’t have to look fancy to get attention. It was more about the content, the value of the content for the readers.
I babble.
I played guitar today until my fingers literally bled.
I am giving up on therapists and psychiatrists alike. Last week I called to schedule my usual 3 month follow up with my psychiatrist and was told he is no longer with the company… instant panic attack…
“Can I schedule you an appointment with another doctor?” the girl on the other end of the phone asked with distain.
I have been going to the same psychiatrist office for 6 years. I’ve had 4 (this would now be my 5th) different therapists.
Each time the company lets my current psych. go, they charge me a new patient intake fee of $450.00 and treat me like a new patient… asking me all of the usual boring and pointless questions so that this new doctor can get to know me.
I have abandonment issues and this company keeps shuffling me around different doctors like I’m an only child in between foster homes. I’m starting to wonder if they even understand anxiety and panic disorder?
My heart is pounding out of my chest as I write this. I cannot go through another therapist. I cannot go through another intake.
Unfortunately, this means I am going to have to ween myself off my anxiety medication. I never benefited from the talk portion of therapy. Maybe it is because I have never connected with a doctor. Not one that made me feel safe.
Doctors, especially psychiatrists, are such judgmental people! Like they’re fucking perfect? Please.
UPDATE 4/10/21: Just received a voicemail from my psychiatrist office to reschedule my “intake” appointment on Tuesday because THAT provider is no longer with the company. What the fuck?
Patients should be notified when doctors leave a company and given the opportunity to follow them or stay with the company. How is having a different psychiatrist each year helpful to someone’s mental health? It’s not.
I’m pacing around my house while watching the sun quietly rise from the Oceanside. The piercing light is slowly getting louder as I continue my method-free pacing (is there ever a method to pacing? Maybe if you have OCD?).
I’m worried because I have no idea what purpose I’m meant for. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know how to get back to work full swing again.
I’ve been using my time off trying to heal from past and recent traumas. I’m grateful to have this time “off” so I can reconnect with who I am. Rediscovering yourself is a magical thing. But not knowing who you are or what you should be doing can be terrifying.
Do I continue with this domestic bliss lifestyle I’ve been living? Do I follow my passions? Do I drop everything and everyone to run after my childhood dreams?
There doesn’t seem to be a concrete answer. At least, not an answer that doesn’t involve pain.
I make myself feel crazy sometimes. Overthinking, overthinking, overthinking… 💭
